Hasidic Jews, FBI agents, and dead people. Yes these things are related.

They made me think today, a lot.

I’ve been in bed [in a slightly drugged state] since my surgery on Monday night. This means I spent all day today doing things like watch a ridiculous show called Long Island Medium, about a Jersey-shore-esque psychic.

Do I believe in it? I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it’s a hoax. But, I watched several hours of it straight. Analyze that as you will. Despite it’s validity, I’m happy things like that are going on every day.

So I had to ask myself. Do I want it to be real? Honestly, no, I don’t think so. You can cheat death by finding the right big-haired New Yorker to set things straight for you? A little anticlimactic, no?

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I also saw some God today. Oh, did I say God? I meant Oprah. I always get those two mixed up.

She did a really long interview with Hasidic Jewish women in Brooklyn. They don’t watch tv, show skin, date, touch each other before marriage, listen to the radio, spend time with their spouse in public, every touch each other in the presence of others (!!?!!?!???). At first, my thoughts were ‘wtf.’

But they said something beautiful.
For them, it’s a “no pressure situation.”

Wow! Their marriages are based on values, not love. Love is a possible byproduct of the partnership they form. They have no responsibility to make their spouse love them. They have no responsibility to make their spouse LOVE THEM. Can you imagine how that would feel? Is that the most fantastic thing you’ve ever heard, or is it the most tragic? They get married because of their shared values, family and god. It seems to work for them.

How does that apply to me?

The family part I get, I love my family. But I have no idea if I’ll ever be a mother. God? Not a big part of my life. Being good to people, following rules, helping the world—those are things I believe in. But doesn’t everyone?

Unlike these Jews who are born to a very specific fate, nothing in my path is pre-ordained. Who knows what kind of spouse I’ll end up with. Or even that I will have a spouse! I can do literally anything I want.

Homeless, millionaire. Mother, bachelorette. Catholic, Shinto. It’s a phenomenal realization when it hits you all at once and you realize that you are FREE.

I need to focus that kind of energy way more. I need a vision board. Stat.

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And now for the most frustrating! One of my good friends is an agent in the FBI. He spent time in the behavioral analysis unit. Hanging out with him is like hanging out with a shrink. Except, a shrink who reads your mind and can kill you twelve different ways.

He constantly makes references to “having me figured out.” But he won’t tell me what he thinks he knows about me. He doesn’t want to “show all of his cards.”

So option 1, he’s full of it. Or option 2, he knows a lot about me and won’t reveal it which is the most irritating thing in the world for a curious, introspective person like myself! Especially because I’m so oblivious to what people think of me. I have no idea how I come across to others.

Anyway, this dude knows who he is. He has rules and lists and quotable principles and is completely logical. As you can tell by the insane structure of this blog post, I am the opposite.

He brought me a moose, though, which makes up for him making me think nonstop for the next two hours.

It is ridiculous.

When it rains it pours

Seriously. Men have a sixth sense or something. As soon as one seems kind of interested, all the other ones pop out of the woodwork!

:]

france: ten
france: twenty
france: thirty
france: forty
france: fifty
france: sixty
france:
france:
france: sixty ten
world: france what are you do—
france: four twenties
world: france stop it
france: four twenties ten
world: france that doesn’t even make any sense
france:
france:
france:
world:
france:
world:
france: hundred.

[via On My Ipod is Metal]

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In other news. Life is surprising. :]

200 Posts. Wow!

My parents are celebrating their anniversary in Seattle until tomorrow, and the kids are at grandma’s. I had fun with the little ones today; trip to the park and with a little picnic, catch with Damian, teaching them astronomy, snuggling up and watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. I was sitting on the couch with Kaya on my left and Damian on my right and I thought, “Someday, I will be PRAYING that I could just go back to this exact moment, when they were young and things were good.” It made the time feel precious and full.
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I’ve been thinking about Chad so much lately. Several times a day at the very least. My friend Cody (an FBI agent) was the one who called me to break the news about Chad. At work this week, he texted “Can you talk on the phone right now?” Immediately my heart started pounding and I was trying to imagine what could have happened, and to whom. In reality, he was calling to tell me a funny story about something that had just happened on the street. Thank goodness.

I don’t know what I believe about where Chad “is.” Or if he’s just dead. In my early years I had blind faith. In more recent years I had clarity and atheism. I wouldn’t call myself religious now, but maybe more open. I don’t believe in sins or judgment or a hierarchy, but I entertain myself with thoughts of “more” and meaning.

My co-worker lost her mother recently. She has related a few out-there stories about strange phenomena since her mother died–and it kind of hit me like: “Holy shit. What if Chad is still around, somehow?” It breaks my heart, for some reason.

As an atheist, my theory of death is kind of “what they don’t know can’t hurt them.” They went to sleep in an instant…. and that’s all. They have no pain, no nostalgia, no regrets, the universe just pushed a pause button on their life. The thought of him being able to still send me his love, is (strangely) more painful. Makes me ache and miss him more. It makes things seem more real, but less final. I don’t know which Truth I hope for.

My grief seems like it’s never going to end.

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My lack of close friends these days makes me think about him–the best one I had–even more. There are people I could see/call if I felt like it. It’s just that true, soul friendship is rare.

Lack of space, energy, and time is a big part of it. I can’t invite people over, really, with the kids around. Also, I had the foresight to surround myself with driven, successful people: once those kind of people hit adulthood, school/jobs/relationships take priority over friendships. I ditched high school so that I could go to college. In college, I worked and took classes all the time, even during summer quarter. It’s not like I invested a ton of time and energy in my social life. I don’t have a friend I can see and call all the time. It’s hard to even arrange a conversation with my best friend these days.

Once I move out, I’ll have a space to entertain and invite friends over. I’ll be able to invest that 60 hours a month I spend commuting into a social life. I wish I could say “who cares about saving money, move to the city.” But I want to be wealthy and successful, and right now, it sucks.

It’s hard to find the balance between investing in your future, and not wasting the present.

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For quite a while, I’ve had the seeds of a creative writing project rolling around in my head. Lately, it’s getting more concrete and I’m getting more and more ideas. It’s not something I can/want to get into until I do move out. But it’s really original, it combines all of my interests, and I’m really excited for making it a reality someday. It gives me a lot to look forward to.

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My newest favorite past-time is reading personals on craigslist. Seeing as how I don’t want to be murdered, I’m not actually looking for dates but it is SO entertaining. 19 out of 20 are really bad, creepy, and hilarious. 1 out of 20 are really sad and you feel bad for not replying to their needy, desperate ad.

One unexpected result of this browsing is a self-confidence boosting realization that, in comparison, I wouldn’t sound too bad! For someone who can’t remember the last time a guy gave her attention, it’s comforting to know that at the VERY least I could be a mildly successful craigslist post. I can see it now: “Long brown hair, blue eyes, size 4, age 22, big smile, successful, educated, very financially stable, laid-back, open-minded, adventurous, fearless, independent, intelligent, creative, loves nature, loves reading, loves basically everything and everyone. Cons: won’t wear much makeup, refuses to tan and dye hair, needs alone-time, likes television and the internet [& not in an ironic way].” Could be worse, no? :]

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Past, present, future.

I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve written anything. For the first half of 2011, I was living life out loud. The second half of 2011 was much more focused, quiet, internal. There is a time and a place for both ways of living. I’m starting to come out of hibernation now. Spring showed up early I guess :]

Past

My surgery on my first hip was December 19th. I put my name on a cancellation list, and was able to have it a month early. I’ve got more time to heal before my second surgery at the end of February. It was a success; even though I’m still recovering, the hip they operated on is less painful than the hip they haven’t touched! I’m so excited for April/May when I can start working out again. I haven’t gained or lost a pound since I stopped exercising in September, but my mood have been affected! That may have contributed to how low-key things have been for me.

This Christmas was the BEST Christmas I’ve had in a long, long time. I’m not sure why, but everything came together. It was so precious and memorable and full. My family and I have been spending more time together than ever it seems like. Or maybe I’ve just been around, for once :]

I made a big effort to “trim the fat,” as far as the people I keep in my life. 99% of the decisions I’ve made are likely permanent and have been very positive. But when I was driving to a get-together this weekend, I started thinking about if I could think of anyone that “got away”. To my surprise, I realized there is one. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until that moment. But, he taught me a lot about what I want and I’m grateful for that. I know he’s probably really happy. Maybe someday we’ll cross paths again. There’s a place in my heart for him if that ever happens.

Present

After months of effort, I’ve finally filled up my savings account to the goal I was hoping to reach, and finally made my first large payment towards my student loans. My new mantra is “use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without!” I was in a big hurry to move out and get a new car, but I’ve hit the brakes on those plans (har har). Being free from student loans would make me so proud of myself. If I do it before November, I would have paid for my own education by 22! I’d be free to put my money exclusively towards living and traveling, free to do anything. Taking time off for my surgeries will make me lose half a month’s salary, so that’s a little setback, but we’ll see what I can do.

Work has been crazy, but wonderful. I learn something new every day and a lot of the things that were so hard at first have become second nature. It’s a good feeling to get better at what you do. I’ve learned a lot about what kind of job I do want by taking not of what I don’t like at this job. In the future I want to make sure that I have a job where I meet people. Except for the occasional client or messenger, I hardly ever see a new face. I want a job where I work with people. The other biggie that’s missing is a job where I feel like I help people. Assisting people and aiding humanity are two very different things. 

Future

If I was a butterfly, right now I’d be in the chrysalis stage. I have to keep still: physically, financially, in my career… but it isn’t in vain. I’m investing in my tomorrows. I remind myself that these restrictions, this phase of life that I’m in is nourishing my dreams, even if I’m not able to live them yet. Travel, adventure, love… I’m laying the foundations.

This week, I’ll get a small change of scenery. My friend has a mansion in Kirkland to herself for the week and invited me to stay with her. Helloooo short commute and fun! 

 

In short, life has been quiet but good. I’m biding time before my next great adventure :]

 

 

 

Centered.

I don’t know if reality has changed, or if my mindset has changed, but I feel centered again.

My bedroom is organized, my office is organized (which always makes life feel 99% less chaotic). I’m prepared for the tidal wave of responsibilities that are about to hit me at work. A few changes have been made at the firm that were bad for a couple of individuals, but they are making my work life better.

Fall is making me happy :] I missed all this coziness last year while I was wandering around France. I already cherish the memories I have from the pumpkin patch, putting on Damian’s vampire makeup before the Harvest Ball, scary movie night with family friends.

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Last Thursday, I grew a spine. Let me tell you. Catharsis like nobody’s business. It makes me proud that I recognized the point at which speaking was better than silence. For once, I was certain of what I felt and what I wanted to say. So I spilled. I know deep down to the core I did the right thing. It doesn’t matter where the path I choose leads. What I value is taking steps down the road I was meant to follow.

I felt exhausted and drained on Friday, and at the perfect moment got a call from my best friend asking me to come to a sleepover. Spending time with your girlfriends is the best medicine. I spent Saturday with my family, and Sunday alone in the city.

Well, mostly alone. :]

It was the perfect weekend. Time for chores, time to think, lots of fun. That balance is hard to find and I think I’m finally adjusting to my life as a full-time worker. This will surely be a busy week, but I’m having my wisdom tooth removed on Friday so I expect a laid-back weekend.

Bring on the dark months. I’m full of sunshine.

Quarter-life Crisis

Right now, counting my commute, my job sucks up 62 hours of my week. I look at Craigslist postings for apartments ten minutes away from work, with extra bedrooms I could rent out to travelers…

But I must resist! I have to get surgeries, one in January and one several months later, which means moving out would be kind of a waste. It will take a while to recover, and going through the process without my parents around would be really scary.

On top of that, hard work pays off. I need to stay focused on saving and setting myself up for success. I don’t want to be one of those people who just moves out as soon as they can afford to, then gets stuck in the rent cycle and can’t take career risks. Especially before I know what I want to do as far as continuing my education. It just seems so silly to sign a lease now.

Exercise is impossible with my injuries, so my goal is to use a lot of that time to study French. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with French and France. There has to be a reason though, right? I just feel like I’m supposed to keep studying.

No matter how I get there, my life will work out and I’ll get to travel. I can’t see it now but I should have faith that it’ll all make sense in the end.

I’ll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

“It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how much power you have, how high you sit on the Forbes list, how many times you make the Most Influential list—all of that changes. All of that changes. But what is real, what is lasting, is who you are and what you were meant to bring. What is the gift you were meant to give? And nobody can take that away from you.

When you’ve worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped…surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there’s nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow.”

— Oprah

I ask myself the big questions constantly. “What is this all about.” “What’s my purpose.” “Am I supposed to be with him.” I spend a lot more time asking questions instead of listening to my gut, to my own answers.

Anyway. Real life in Heikus:

Pink scarf gets longer
I wanted to start knitting
Mission accomplished

What do these doubts mean
If you have them it’s simple
I’m real single now

Can we have a talk?
The firm is making changes
Promotion at work

Surgeon on Wednesday
Okay I give up, I’ll call
Limping down the street

A Moveable Feast

My first Hemingway.

I loved it. He seems infinitely interested in himself, but I guess that’s what makes for a good memoir. I love the fact that he had a run-in with Alestair Crowley.

“It was all part of the fight against poverty that you never win except by not spending.”

“‘Is Ezra a gentleman?’ I asked.
‘Of course not,’ Ford said. ‘He’s an American.’”

“Some people show evil as a great race horse shows breeding.”

“There is not much future in men being friends with great women although it can be pleasant enough before it gets better or worse, and there is usually even less future with truly ambitions women…”

“For a poet he threw a very accurate milk bottle.”

“‘We need more true mystery in our lives, Hem,’ he once said to me. ‘The completely unambitious writer and the really good unpublished poem are the things we lack most at this time. There is, of course, the problem of sustenance.’”

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I’m pleased with this weekend, the perfect balance of activity and rest so far. Yesterday I cleaned, ran errands, went shopping and visited several friends. I was supposed to spend the day with Chef and hit the town with a couple of our friends, but he got sick and had to stay at home.
When I got to Shane’s house last night, his little cousins Asher and Walker were bringing their bikes in because it started raining. His dad Denny was herding the boys towards the garage with a big container of blackberries in his arms, and when I opened my car door he asked me, “Do you know how to make pie crust?”

Voila! I was pleased that the crust turned out because we didn’t have a pastry cutter, a rolling pin, and we didn’t let the crust chill either.

Today I spent some quality time getting groceries with my mom and playing with the kids.

The agenda for this week: I hope to see my best friend, my friend Sydney on her day off next Sunday, and I have tickets to the fair I need to use! Elephant ears, scones, earthquake burgers, here I come!

Slacker

I’ve been thinking more than ever lately and I feel like I’m changing a lot, it’s just not stuff that’s easy to articulate. Also, I’ve been typing so much at work for a project I’m doing that I try to keep the typing to a minimum at home!

I miss writing though. I’ll get back on it soon :]